*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
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I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.