Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
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I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.