Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
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#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
March 16
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.