Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
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Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
handsome & gretel
What do you hear?
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Breaking news:
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco