If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
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ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.