I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
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Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
A small tragedy.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.