I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
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[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
how much for the angry fruit?
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.