Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up

If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.

*watching John Wick*

Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me

Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!

[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]

HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??

My mom: [sighs]

[creation]

GOD: You guys are bees

BEE: Are we important?

GOD: Mankind would collapse without you

BEE: Can we fly?

GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol

BEE: …

GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out

She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore

I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.

I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.

Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?

Me: You mean like water water or bath water?

If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.

i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about

Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.

Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?

Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”

Me: “So how does that make you feel?”

Not messing around

My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?

a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE

I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.

Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.

There are 2 types of buyers in me:

1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago

2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??

Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.

Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”

The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.

ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them

COP: yes but please don’t cup my face

I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”

63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe

I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.

This could be us but you eatin’

I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.

Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.