my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
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I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Why font matters.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart