There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
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POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.