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“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.