[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
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My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂