WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
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me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Great acting.. 😂
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
The three genders
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.