I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
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me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.