Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
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The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?