ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
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Best spot.. 😅
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
How to draw a duck
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
channeling her this year
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
That’s enough internet for the day
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!