Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
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Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Oh deer
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.