Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
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With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.