If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
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Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU