Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
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A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
When news reporters do sports stories
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.