An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
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The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
“TGIM!” – My liver
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
my first dose meeting my second
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
I have a place for everything. The floor.