Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
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Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*