When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
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A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.