When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
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In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.