Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
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genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.