If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
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BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
twitter users today:
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck