Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
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Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation