Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
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Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
What number SPF blocks people?
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Love this one 😂🧟
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!