If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
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The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system