They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
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If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Great game to play with friends
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
What the dentist sees