couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
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I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
I have a type: disappointing
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?