’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
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I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
The Others (2001)
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.