I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
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If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
shit just got real
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.