Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
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Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
This is always good for a laugh.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.