Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
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Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
The options really are this bad
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No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned