I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
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If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Guantanamo Bae
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
oh my god
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?