My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
You Might Also Like
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.