‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
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My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.