@TheFirstDudish

My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.

You Might Also Like

@kelkulus

evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.

@Gorrdano

Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁

@ilovepie84

The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.

@_itspat_

My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.

@bdbdleeroybrown

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

@Havish_AF

When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?

@Carbosly

There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.

@mazizkhalifa

I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat

@MrSpoonicorn

why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward