My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
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Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
adam and eve had first world problems
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
wish me luck lads
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.