“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
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[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
what does he know…
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’