starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
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[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
also my go-to takeaway order
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!