COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
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Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god