Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
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Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Leaving the Barbers like
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.