[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
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The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
.. do you even science?
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
This kid is going places