Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
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“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
happy valentine’s day to me
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat