Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
You Might Also Like
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.