My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
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[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
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At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
when there are deer in the woods
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*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.