Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
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Still my favorite headline of all time:
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.