ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
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“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.