If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
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Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!