If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.