Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
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Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
forgive me baja for i have blast
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.