Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
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6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
This kinda thing happens to me often
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me: